Dear Appa! 💓

 

Dear Appa! 💓 

Last year, it was his 49^th birthday. I had started to think of his gift, three months before. I thought of gifting a short film. I wrote the script, rehearsed with the actors well, but somehow, it didn’t happen. I felt so bad for gifting him nothing. I wish I could be my sister sometimes. Last year’s Oct 5 came under that ‘sometimes’. She painted around a betel leaf on an A4 sheet and gifted him. Why couldn’t I be simple? Why couldn’t I gift him something, which was common for my age?

I always wanted to surprise him, with different approaches and perspectives. I wouldn’t say all of them are failures. But, failures were most of ‘em. I had always ended up complicating things for him. I would feel bad for my surprise ending badly. But all I could do is, experiment more. This letter to him is an experiment. I have written articles for others, but for Appa, it's different, right?

Happy Half Century Appa!

Starting from Bajaj CT-100 rounds to 7km school travel, I had always loved accompanying him. Everyday before-office rounds would’ve been for the new bike. But 15 years after, I stood stubborn and make him drop me at school, only for that half-hour talk. Actually, these talks are wonderful. You don’t have to see him in eyes, so, saying truths would be so easy. I would easily say “My physics marks are 20/40” in the bike than, “Pass chutney, please” at home.

So stupid know. Yeah, I can hear you people. “Is he that strict?” Nope, not even relevant. Once, he asked me, “Do I look like ‘Santhosh Subramaniam’ Prakashraj?” I laughed then and said a ‘No’. I was clear not to hurt him at any moment. But still, that question kept swirling in me. Why did he ask that? Did I give him that idea? Or, he felt me to be Santhosh? No, cha, am not that handsome. Then why?

I analyzed myself. I realized I haven’t been that comfortable when he was around. The problem was within me. I had decided that he won’t understand me. Even though that thought wasn’t intentional, it had somehow conquered my mind. Perhaps, teenage should be blamed. That problem still remains unsettled, and all he did, was to give up.

You know what, I had always loved Dhoni. For the way, he handles everything cool and calm. I’ve always seen my Appa calm and cool. But sometimes, the captain cool loses his cool, right? Whatever errand he assigns me, I handle it in the most basic way, a human would. No creativity, and No lateral Thinking. I would get a scolding for it, and later, he would say the perspectives he had in his mind. Totally out of the world, they would be.

What else should I say! Excuse me, it's really tough to write. Not that he’s vast, but the fact he’s my Appa makes it difficult. I feel like backspacing everything and switching the tab to Netflix. How am I going to show this to him? How will I present it to him? He’ll approximately take 10 mins to read this. What will I do then? Should I sit in front of him? Or run away?

He never knew why I loved to ride with him. That too long one. He’ll say his work stuff, our economical situations, his teenage, or my Thatha’s teenage. Whatever he says, I’ll all be ears. Simply, I would want that 7Km ride to last forever. Why am preferring Amma over him to share things? Maybe, I haven’t put my hands around him, like I do with Amma. Or, am imagining that he’ll keep on asking me to be perfect. Maybe, I should explore him more.

Okay, I’ll come to the fundamental question in your mind. Why am I writing this as a blog entry and making it public? I could just pen this down on a notebook and give it to him, and run towards the horizon. But, Nah, I had to make this confession somewhere public. This felt better.

I’m sorry for disappointing you. Why stop with perfect, when there’s a superlative above? I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to be you.