Depression Diaries #2:- Deeper This Time!

 

11-March-2021

 

Yeah, It was me who once said this blog is for positivity and all. Even though I had broken my rules in places, I managed to keep up the vibe. But what happened? Why the frequency became less and why the quality went to ground level? Well, to be frank, the day I never wanted to come, has visited me.

 

These much days, in lockdown, I managed to make my blog neat and regular. But, I knew the doom day would come. Forget the audience, I’ll become tired of this one day!

 

Keeping that day far away from me, I worked with enthusiasm and happiness. I wrote about my friends, so they would share it in their Instagram Stories on their special days. I wrote short stories which I caught up and wanted to keep with me for till I die. I wrote my views on things I watched and heard. But, sad for me, the day came.

 

I think my recent, damn, the right word is, My last blog came up around November or December of 2020. I was exhausted to see my blog views getting down, or literally a 0 near the count. Interrupting your thoughts, I’ve never had many readers. I never wanted to have readers too. I just wanted peace, or, the freedom to express what I feel. Being an introvert, or kinda-one, isn’t easy; you’ll have to struggle to make your points. Perhaps, my door was this blog. I spoke all the unspoken side of mine. I felt more of myself. I felt happy even though my viewership was below 10.

 

Perhaps, I couldn’t handle myself. The joy and happiness I had all over my life have vanished. Negativity everywhere. Being depressed is easy. Being depressed while others think we’re damn fine is hella tough. Life feels tough suddenly. Boards feel easy. The pressure in society strangles me.

For the college I wish to join, I’ll have to score 50% minimum. If I have a score of mine to be ahead of it, I’m safe right?

No, it seems. I need to hard work. I will have to hard work day and night. I should throw all my entertainment and should concentrate. I will be suffocated among the commands to study. Wait, this ain’t worse. It's coming ahead.

Parents don’t believe you anymore. They would’ve been the unique ones among the stereotypical, mob-minded parents for about 17 years. But all of a sudden, they’ll snatch every freaking gadget from you, and would be mad at you. They will tell us to throw our study methods, give what had been in the stream for hundreds of years. Yikes, life sucks. You won’t be in a good state. You’ll have negative thoughts.

After surviving all this, you’ll have to survive through your relatives for choosing Visual Communication. Thank God, my parents don’t come under this.

The problem is, most of us don’t have an outlet. I’ve been with this negativity from the start of the year. That’s a reason for me, not writing a blog. Not even for Valentine’s day. If I go and shout all these to anyone, they would take me to be awkward. Because I have all the odds around me. Why should a person wish to pursue Visual Communication think and worry this much? It's just an Arts degree right?

It's not that simple. The competition is getting higher, and you can’t even think about getting easy seats anymore. I’m not commercially Ambani to ‘buy’ my seat. Shit, talking about all these, makes me feel like I can’t score the marks needed.  

See, this is the problem. Thinking all this, I feel like am not fit for anything. My parents pushing me to work harder, makes me feel more of a loser. Perhaps, I am.

The shocking reality is, Board Exams are still around 50 days ahead. I’ll have to face more and more of this till I complete it. I can’t see my parents or relatives until that. They all seem different to me now.

 

I know this is for my career’s goodness. But what’s the freaking use when I’m mentally fed up while my career’s butter smooth?

 

I won’t be writing anything again until I feel too positive or negative. I feel lucky to have this blog, and my friends to read it even though I don’t advertise it under my profile. It took me 3 months to decide to use this blog as my outlet. I feel bad for the people who are sick without this. 

Wishing the forthcoming days to be better...