Attention!

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“I’d like to thank the honorable Chief Guest Arputham, my department HOD Verona, my co-ordinator Jeyaraj, my best friend Deepan, the faculty, and fellow students who spent their valuable time being here!” Pavithra ended the event, which was followed by thundering applause. I was awestruck by her daring act of including my name in the Valedictory speech. Most of them didn’t seem to notice, but her HOD was stunned and confused by her sudden inclusion in their decades-old template. Pavithra winked from the stage and disappeared into the crowd that escorted the chief guest. Pavithra and I’ve been friends for almost three hundred days now, ever since she texted me after reading my blog. She was the first enthusiastic fan outside of my friends for my writing. She genuinely loved all my works and pointed out the few she didn’t. She had invited me to her college for a random workshop on “Girls and how they should be protected.” It was the most backward speech I’ve heard in years. But of co...
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Depression Diaries #3: Everything is F-word'ed up!

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 I never wanted to continue this series. Screw that, this was not even a series when I wrote the first article. I was just venting out and thought of writing down all my rant. If you notice keenly, these articles come out only once a year. Every year, I run out of people in my life and live through a period of life where I’ll have to survive alone. The worst part is, life plans all the freaking bad things during this period, exclusively. So, you won’t even have a person to tell all this about.

I’m really happy people are still reading my blog. Every time I write this, I feel I’m doing injustice to my readers because there’s really nothing you could get from this. Or, you can get bored. This blog might have the worst flow, or worse, no flow at all, but it’s just me speaking. So, it’ll be not perfect.

I’ve been into this lonely place suddenly, without my friends or family to hear me out. I’ve always had this one life goal, college at Loyola. This has been it, since centuries ago. The problem is, or, one of the problems is, I never thought about what am going to go after in my life, after landing at Loyola. I even had plans, if I don’t get into Loyola, but I never thought about what exactly I'm going to use Loyola as.

I thought photography was my thing, but the only thing I’ve done is to write scripts for my classmates. I go out to click photos, but yeah, there isn’t a single photo am proud of. Yep, true. Also, I don’t think am a good writer. I’m not great there too. My college friends are asking me to write, only because of my previous blog articles, or worse, I’m the only writer in my class. Oh God no.

People say I observe well. People say am comfortable talking to. People say am safe, to be around. Yes, I agree. Thanks.

Being this good, I can’t go tell people that’s not what I want to hear. That’ll not look good on me, will it? I’m this person everybody vents out, but nobody wants to hear. Jesus, am freaking out about whether my words will offend the people reading it. Why am I like this?

I want to live my life. I want to live it the way I want. Without thinking about what people would think, if I do this, or if I do that. Yes, it has really been a long time I did something for myself. 

Frustration is what I could feel. It’s hard typing out all my rants. I even tried setting up my camera and talking to it, venting out to my camera. Nothing matched the feeling of talking to people. I get lots of exciting points and story ideas to develop, but I really can’t write them well. I couldn’t.

The thing is, I fear losing people. I don’t want to lose people. I just wish to keep my favorite people around me, forever. So, I tend to comfort them, giving up things I want. In spite of that, people leave. There’s nothing you could do.

There’s my 15 years long known friend leaving me because I haven’t called him, for my birthday party, which was surprise-ly planned by my other friends. There’s my other friend, who cracks jokes at the wrong odd times, and fights, big time. There’s another friend who used to talk with me regularly, who knows nothing about what I am, how I am, now.

I’ve known someone for some time. It had hardly been a few weeks since we started to have exchanges, and she got to spell my name right. I knew I’ll meet her often. It always hits different when you’ve thought a person is strict until you get to know she’s the fun in the whole family. I lost my Paati today. She’ll never greet me at that house when I go there. I’ll have to get used to that. I got the chance of getting blessings from her, for my birthday last month. I think she liked me, despite she got my name wrong. Do you know what’s the worst thing? I never got to tell her how much I like her. I think I’ll never get the chance to tell her.

Ummm, I have been so keen not to spread any negativity through my blogs. And the whole concept of depression diaries is to break that. Am really sorry for posting all this here, but I really need this. To escape from the whole mental breakdown situation. Thanks.

 


It's okay to be not okay.

deepan. 

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